In today’s guest blogging post, Gabriella Opaz has an eye opening experience in Madrid. Gabriella is usually to be found blogging at the internet’s finest font of Iberian wine knowledge, Catavino.net. Over to Gabriella:
I am not sure whether I would categorize this experience as positive or negative regarding both Spain and its people, but considering it has rated as still one of my best stories living here, far be it for me to exclude from the many tales of Spain you are now receiving.
In 2005, when Ryan and I first moved to Madrid, I was still getting a handle on the Madrid metro system as I zoomed from one English class to the next, hoping and praying that I wouldn’t get lost and finding myself in the middle of nowhere. However, these things happen, and although I did find myself going too far south of Madrid on a unusually quiet teaching day, I stayed on the train in hopes of exploring new territory of the city. When I eventually did get bored and picked a random stop that look tantalizing, I walked up the stairs and noticed a park not one block away from the exit. Thinking that I was smarter than the average bear, I walked down to the entrance and read the sign “Botanical Garden”. Being that I am an enormous fan of anything green, I patted myself on the back thinking that I must have been the luckiest creature on the planet. “Who goes the wrong way on the Metro and randomly ends up in the perfect location?”
Happily, I sauntered into the “Jardin” and noticed that “Botanical” is not defined in the same manner as I might define “Botanical”. Evidently, botanical refers to a few bushes and trees planted great distances from one another in a space that is designed for quadruple the number of plants. Content all the same, I walked up the hill to a large flat space containing a beautiful fountain in the center; a view of the city and mountains to kill; and a large group of old men playing a game similar to horse-shoes. Sure, I was the only female for miles around, and the only young blond American female at that, but I was happy with their curious stares as I sat myself down by a beautiful foundation enjoying the warm rays of the sun.
About ten minutes later, I heard a “pssssst”. Both curious and annoyed, I looked around unable to decipher where the sound was coming from. The old men were happy maneuvering around their different courts always keeping a sharp eye on the woman with the strange tattoo (that would be me), but otherwise, not a soul to be seen.
“Pssssssssst”…”psssssssssssssssst”, this time, I look up and see a man not 30 feet from me in the bushes naked. I trust that your imaginations can clearly conjure up the ritual he was partaking in, and that I don’t need to spell it out for you. Many of you might consider running for the nearest exit, but after looking at him, I not only wasn’t impressed with the entertainment, but also frustrated that he took so much effort to get my attention for a bad act. Where’s the creativity I ask you? The pizzazz? The originality? His show had been done a thousand times before to millions of women and he wasn’t winning any points for style in my book.
I went back to my book in hopes that he would get the point that he was both uncreative and annoying, but, of course, “psssssssssssssssssssst”. Thoroughly irritated, I stood up and screamed, “shut up!” in hopes that he would quietly retreat back to the hole from which he came. But I didn’t just surprise the naked man in the bushes. Oh no! I also got the full attention of the entire rat pack playing horseshoes in the corner, when my growing anger from the hundred little eyes staring at me provoked me to scream, “what?!” directly at them. Slowly comprehending they lacked any understanding as to why I was screaming such disrespectful words in Spanish, I decidedly pointed to the rhythmically moving bushes.
It took a few minutes for them to slowly shuffle over to a place where they could see the scrawny little man in the bushes; but eventually, the light turned on and all 20 of these tiny well-dressed “abuelos” prepared for battle. With canes raised, and walkers in “fast mode”, they took off after the man in a bolt of lightening, or molasses. The image was so hysterical that, I too, had my mouth agape unable to comprehend what was about to take place. But in the end, I realized that he probably wasn’t going to stick around an hour while the ancient gang walked their 30 feet at full speed. So, I packed up my bags and began my trek down the hill. Welcome to Spain!
Read more from Gabriella at the internet’s finest font of Iberian wine knowledge, Catavino.net
richardksa
18 Jun 07 at 11:45 am
Why is it that women get all the luck. As a mere man I never have naked ladies “Psssting” at me as I sit reading in parks. Life is so unfair!!
BlondebutBright
18 Jun 07 at 3:55 pm
Right, richardksa, I’m sure she felt really lucky to come across such a pervert. What empathy.
What an experience, though. Sounds like you know how to handle yourself, Gabriella. Thanks for sharing!
Stuart
18 Jun 07 at 7:00 pm
BlondebutBright, how could you possibly not enjoy such a well-crafted sarcastic joke?
Theresa
18 Jun 07 at 7:35 pm
What an experience! At least that guy got his due with all the angry “abuelos” after him, if they ever caught him, that is. Hope the next park you visit doesn’t have any “surprises” of these sort.
Gary
18 Jun 07 at 10:09 pm
@ richard – take your tongue out of your cheek before it pops right through!! Beware using irony or sarcasm abroad, folk just dont get it.
@ blondebutbright – dont take people, especially brits, too literally we often say the opposite of what we mean – you have to recognise the tone and timbre in the ‘voice’ – which is harder in print.
BlondebutBright
19 Jun 07 at 7:04 am
I agree, Gary, sarcasm is a tough thing to pick up especially when there’s no physical cues. However, my reaction was due to the fact that I’ve heard this type of comment made in all seriousness before. I hope I was wrong this time.
In comments, when saying things that could be offensive, I always put something like “insert sarcasm here” or “dripping with sarcasm” at the end of my message. Usually that wards off misunderstandings (and this is said genuinely!).
Naked Guy in the Bushes
19 Jun 07 at 8:52 am
Gabriella,
You are a tough audience. I have taken your advice and have spruced up my act. Instead of just hissing "pssst,†I now summon the attention of my victims with a five piece Mariachi band as well as a small fireworks display. I do two shows a night and a matinee on Saturday.
richardksa
19 Jun 07 at 10:14 am
@BBB, if I cause offense, I apologise. The lovely Gabriella wrote her excellent piece with wit and, I believe, with the purpose to amuse us. She succeeded and my comment was in similar vein.
@Gary. While I do not put myself in their class, anyone who reads Swift, Austin, Pratchett will appreciate that irony can be conveyed well through the written word, although the reader has to have the wit to understand.
@NGIB. Do you have a sister?
Pepino (Dave Hall)
19 Jun 07 at 11:20 am
Well, I think we’ve discovered a new Cultural highlight to add to the tourist guides!
How delightful!
jeje
ValenciaSon
19 Jun 07 at 11:48 am
I’m not British yet I got that Richard was being sarcastic.
richardksa
19 Jun 07 at 12:24 pm
@VS, I was not trying to be sarcastic. In my book that implies a degree of intent to hurt. That was not my intention. I was trying to be amusing with a mild irony. Obviously I failed.
Graeme
19 Jun 07 at 12:38 pm
They are not just in the bushes. When a friend of mine visited from London we took him on the cable car that connects the city to the Casa de Campo. Directly underneath the path of the cable car he spotted a sunbather wearing nothing more than a cap and a pair of trainers. Not the sort of position you would choose if you weren’t hoping to be noticed.
ValenciaSon
19 Jun 07 at 1:11 pm
@ richardska, well then maybe sarcastic was a poor choice of words, what I meant was that I knew that you wrote that with your tongue firmly implanted in your cheek.
Theresa
19 Jun 07 at 4:21 pm
I’m American and I caught the irony of Richard’s comment, even without winky smileys or “insert irony here”, and actually it was pretty funny (It has nothing to do with being British, but with having a sense of humor). I actually was flashed once near the University in Pamplona and it’s not a very nice experience, but a comment like Richard’s doesn’t offend me in the least.
Chris
20 Jun 07 at 12:15 am
What an anti-climax of a post.
Chris
20 Jun 07 at 12:19 am
“Uncreative and annoying” – now that’s ironic.
Sybil Fawlty
20 Jun 07 at 2:31 am
I would like to compain about the previous complaint.
Clearly the work of a bulter from Barcelona……
leftbanker
20 Jun 07 at 7:48 pm
Am I the only one that has just a little bit of admiration for Gabriella’s bush-whacker? Here he is, in some very out-of-the way botanical garden, lying naked in the bushes, amongst the thorns and vermin, waiting for suitable prey. In a place this isolated I would imagine that days could go by without even a remotely suitable victim happening upon our patient pervert. Does he have a hobby that he pursues in this down time? Perhaps he is an avid reader? Maybe he paints toy soldiers. This story leaves so many questions unanswered.
Don’t get me wrong; one side of me really wants to give this guy a beating. But still. Remember what the Bible says, let he (or she, but I doubt that has ever happened…ever) who has not sat naked in the bushes in some desolate park with the hope of tossing off to a tourist gone astray, cast the first stone.
Gabriella Opaz
21 Jun 07 at 9:07 am
First to say a bit about the comments above – especially those from Pepino! There is nothing more enlightening to me than to see people take a situation that could be perceived as offensive and choose the route of light hearted laughter. We’re all human, and while I prefer chocolate and glass of wine when I need a fix, others prefer showing the world their “goods”….eh, to each their own.
Second, keep in mind how this guy approached getting his needs met. Not only did he choose a crowded park, but he chose a park full of old men. Hmmm, as much as I am sympathetic to leftbanker for wanting to kick the crap out of this guy, I think he got what he deserved both by choosing such a stupid location and then to get chased by the same people I would hope he wanted to avoid.
Sad to say, or good depending on your perspective, I have been flashed four times in my life, which allows me to call myself a flasher expert, and I have to admit that the choreography and casting need some work. If you really want to get a girl’s attention, do something creative such as a sultry flamenco dance while throwing port filled chocolate truffles at me! All I’m asking is a little jazziness here!
Gary
21 Jun 07 at 9:08 am
@ Richard – thats why I used the word ‘voice’ and put it in inverted commas, voice can be written too.
@VS & Gabriella – yes, yes, yes, to say no one but Brits can do irony or sarcasm was a sweeping generalisation and I see thay you (and no doubt many others) ‘get it’ – the sarcasm that is
@ Gabriella, the addition of a couple of white Lipizana horses might up your strike rate….
Chris
21 Jun 07 at 11:44 am
Irony is a literary device used to poetry, stories, novels and just about everything including drama. Please don’t tell me only Bristish playwrites, poets and dramatists can use irony. For one, Arthur Miller (American) frequently made use of irony and dramatic irony in his works.
Pepino (Dave Hall)
21 Jun 07 at 3:21 pm
Well, I dunno about who’s got the official copyright to all the irony in the world, but I reckon it’s mildly ironic that a post about a perv having a crafty wankie-doodle-dandy in a prickly bush has turned into a discussion that your average Open University anthropology student would struggle to follow! jeje
Still a fab post though
Gary
21 Jun 07 at 7:49 pm
Verbal irony is distinguished from related phenomena such as situational irony and dramatic irony in that it is produced intentionally by speakers.The important aspect of verbal irony is that speakers communicate implied propositions that are intentionally contradictory to the propositions contained in the words themselves.
I was referring to the use of irony/sarcasm this way in day to day conversation, (which is a British institution) and not a contrived literary device in a play or piece of writing, intended to be understood by the viewing audience but not necessarily by the protagonists…
ValenciaSon
22 Jun 07 at 6:04 pm
But I thought using irony/sarcasm in day to day conversation was a very New York thing.
richardksa
26 Jun 07 at 12:44 pm
By the way. On the forth Monday in July, at three in the afternoon, I will be sitting on a bench just to the south of the Palacio de Cristal in the Retiro Park. The ground dips away there and is very bushy. If some naked Madrileña feels like cavorting in the bushes, I’m the guy with the book.
Maria S.
25 Dec 07 at 8:27 pm
Oscar Wilde said:
“I can resist anything – but temptation.”
If I ever encountered a flasher I would tell him to pack it in and sit down with me. We could have a nice little chat about the not so “up” things in his life….
He might run for his life.
Offense is the best defense.