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Old 21st May 2007, 10:45 AM   #1
eldeano
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Talking Joke of the Day

What self-respecting forum would not have a thread where jokes, either in English or Spanish, could be posted just to give us all the chance for a good chuckle each day.

I think we should stick to just one a day, otherwise there will be loads at the start and then they'll dry up AND keep them decent.
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Old 21st May 2007, 10:46 AM   #2
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I'll start with one for today.

A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone and says “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw and I can’t figure out how to get it started”.

Her boyfriend asks “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

She replies “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger”.

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”

Then he takes her hand and say “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…..” he sighed ………
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Old 21st May 2007, 10:47 AM   #3
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“…….. let’s put all these Frosties back in the box.”
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Old 21st May 2007, 01:59 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eldeano View Post
“…….. let’s put all these Frosties back in the box.”
The variation I heard was Becks calling up Fergie to see if he could help help with the tricky jigsaw....
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Old 21st May 2007, 02:01 PM   #5
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Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger marry Maria Shriver?
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Old 21st May 2007, 03:36 PM   #6
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I don't know, why did Arnold Schwarzenegger marry Maria Shriver?
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Old 21st May 2007, 03:39 PM   #7
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I don't know, why did Arnold Schwarzenegger marry Maria Shriver?
To make bullett-proof Kennedys
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Old 21st May 2007, 03:42 PM   #8
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So much for the 'one a day' proposal - if the above was meant to be funny.
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Old 21st May 2007, 03:54 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eldeano View Post
So much for the 'one a day' proposal - if the above was meant to be funny.
I found yours a bit flakey
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Old 21st May 2007, 04:01 PM   #10
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I had a dream about Arnie the other night.

I was his brother and to play a prank on him I used to douse him in this stuff we use at work which had the effect of turning him into a midget. The last time, after the effect wore off he was really pissed off and he starting chasing me down the road bare-chested shouting 'I'm going to kill you!' in a very thick Austrian accent. I was really scared. Just as he caught up with me I woke up (in a pretty perturbed state).

What does this all mean?
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Old 21st May 2007, 04:14 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mad View Post
What does this all mean?
Come over from the dark side.
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Old 21st May 2007, 04:24 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tad View Post
I had a dream about Arnie the other night.

I was his brother and to play a prank on him I used to douse him in this stuff we use at work which had the effect of turning him into a midget. The last time, after the effect wore off he was really pissed off and he starting chasing me down the road bare-chested shouting 'I'm going to kill you!' in a very thick Austrian accent. I was really scared. Just as he caught up with me I woke up (in a pretty perturbed state).

What does this all mean?
Too many episodes of Lost

Last edited by ValenciaSon; 22nd May 2007 at 12:17 PM.
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Old 22nd May 2007, 11:07 AM   #13
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Default 10 quickies for today

Thanks to my friend Tony for these
ALL PUNS INTENDED
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"!


7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Okay - all groan together aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh
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Old 22nd May 2007, 11:12 AM   #14
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Very good, GT.
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Old 22nd May 2007, 11:48 AM   #15
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Cool Blonde

I love blonde jokes here goes one:

While passing by the bf sees her gf looking to a bottle of orange juice, on the table deeply.

Asking her "Why do you look at it?"

She responds "It says on the box "Concentrate""

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Old 22nd May 2007, 12:14 PM   #16
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Anything's better than a dream about Arnie.
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Old 22nd May 2007, 04:17 PM   #17
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When two elephants approach a river why do they take it in turns to bathe?

they only have one pair of trunks

boom boom
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Old 23rd May 2007, 01:53 AM   #18
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Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact On the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and
says, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.” The second blonde says, “Here, let me
see!” So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the
mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”
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Old 23rd May 2007, 01:55 AM   #19
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the priest and the hair dryer A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a
favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and
well over the Customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have
anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your
waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
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Old 23rd May 2007, 01:58 AM   #20
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Call your witness A Southern small-town prosecutor called his first witness, a respectful, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. Quickly jumping in, the judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you b*sta*ds asks her if she knows me,
I'll throw your asses in jail for contempt."
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