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Old 26th May 2007, 05:02 PM   #41
djS
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Fly joke A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone
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Old 26th May 2007, 08:47 PM   #42
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Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies Recipe:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 cup lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl; check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK; try another cup just in case.Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, pick the frigging fruit off floor...Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS TO ALL!!!

I know it is a long way off to Christmas but if you tried making these cookies, you would probably need all that time until then to make it to perfection.
Let me know how they came out!
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Old 27th May 2007, 11:18 AM   #43
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Quote:
Originally Posted by little bit View Post
Don't let him push you around like that, it's your thread -are you a TC or a Sylvester?
More like Grasshopper to Master Po.

Anyway, don't be telling me who can or can't push me around, OK?
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Old 27th May 2007, 12:26 PM   #44
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bunty View Post
More like Grasshopper to Master Po.

Anyway, don't be telling me who can or can't push me around, OK?
Was that his name? -the one with ping pong balls in his eyes if so I have to say that's pretty impressive How do you know that?
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Old 27th May 2007, 12:39 PM   #45
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tad View Post
Was that his name? -the one with ping pong balls in his eyes if so I have to say that's pretty impressive How do you know that?
I like to watch good TV.
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Old 28th May 2007, 03:36 AM   #46
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Default Once I get started...

A guy walks into a bar and slips on a piece of "doggy-doo" on the doorstep. He picks himself up and goes to the bar and buys a Guiness. Two minutes later another guy walks in and slips in exactly the same way. The guy who bought the Guiness laughs and says, "Ha ha, I just did that!" So the second guy walks over and punches him in the nose.

Mil sientos, felipe
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Old 28th May 2007, 10:26 AM   #47
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I was in the pub last night and saw a mate of mine, Dave, sitting having a drink. He's normally an extremely reserved and awkward kind of guy, never much a one with the ladies, so I was surprised to see him really happy and beaming. I asked him what was the cause of his good humour.

'Well', he said, 'I was wandering along the railway embankment yesterday evening when I noticed a young woman tied to the train tracks - you know, just like in the movies. So I ran down the embankment, untied her, and took her back to my place. We had a magical time, made love all night, and I woke up next to her this morning'.

'That's fantastic', I said, 'It's no wonder you're so happy. What does she look like?'.

'I don't know', said Dave......
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Old 28th May 2007, 10:27 AM   #48
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... 'I never found her head'.

----------

Sorry, but it made me chuckle.
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Old 28th May 2007, 10:47 AM   #49
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eldeano View Post
... 'I never found her head'.

----------

Sorry, but it made me chuckle.
Want the name of my psychiatrist?
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Old 28th May 2007, 12:34 PM   #50
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eldeano View Post
I was in the pub last night and saw a mate of mine, Dave, sitting having a drink. He's normally an extremely reserved and awkward kind of guy, never much a one with the ladies, so I was surprised to see him really happy and beaming. I asked him what was the cause of his good humour.

'Well', he said, 'I was wandering along the railway embankment yesterday evening when I noticed a young woman tied to the train tracks - you know, just like in the movies. So I ran down the embankment, untied her, and took her back to my place. We had a magical time, made love all night, and I woke up next to her this morning'.

'That's fantastic', I said, 'It's no wonder you're so happy. What does she look like?'.

'I don't know', said Dave......
congratulations you have made this Chubby Brown gag printable...
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Old 28th May 2007, 12:39 PM   #51
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gary View Post
congratulations you have made this Chubby Brown gag printable...
One of the few that you can.
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Old 29th May 2007, 03:43 AM   #52
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Red face I'll try to keep this short.

A tourist walks into a bar in Ireland, he buys a Guiness and stands at the bar. There is a local at the bar and a waiter behind the bar. Another local walks in and buys a Guiness, he looks at the other local and asks, "Are you from the Republic or the North?"
"The Republic", he replies.
"Excellent! I'm from the republic too. Well then if you're from the Republic, what county is it that you live in?"
"I come from County Cork".
"Excellent, I come from County Cork too!! So if you're from County Cork, what town do you live in?"
"I live in Bally Creagh"
"Bless my soul!! I live in Ballycreagh!! On what street are you after livin' on?"
"I live on the North Dublin Road"
"Bless my soul! Unbelievable! I live on the North Dublin road! Saints be praised!!"
At this point the waiter turns to the tourist and says,"Well, it looks as if the O'Reilly twins are drunk again!"

Mil sientos, felipe
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Old 1st June 2007, 10:50 AM   #53
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3 cigüeñas se encuentran en pleno vuelo, dos de ellas con bebes en sus picos y la tercera sin nada.

dice la primera:

- Hola ! tanto tiempo sin verlas ? debo apurarme, llevo este bebe a una pareja que hace 4 años que intentan tener familia y se alegrarán mucho con mi llegada !

dice la segunda:

- Ahh yo tambien debo apurarme, mis clientes tienen 60 años y es la última oportunidad para ellos !

......las dos se miran extrañadas que la tercera no tenga nada en su pico y preguntan:

- Y tú adonde vas ????

- - yo voy para el convento !!!!

- pero ahí solo hay monjas !

- - si claro ! pero se imaginan el susto que les voy a dar ?!
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Old 1st June 2007, 03:50 PM   #54
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Maria - finalmente un chiste en español.
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Old 1st June 2007, 04:05 PM   #55
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Jack the prankster one morning jack walks into a bakery and ask for a thousand bread rolls, the baker says sorry but he doesn't have a thousand rolls.
the following morning jack walks into the bakery and ask for a thousand rolls and the answer was sorry but there is not.
the third day he walks in the bakery and ask the same thing "1000 rolls please" and the answer was still negative.
the baker getting really cheesed off assemble extra workers and get one thousand bread rolls ready for the morning when jack will call in.
As usual he walks in and asks for a 1000 rolls, the baker with a big grin on his face say "yes we do have a thousand rolls", jack turns around a says well if you'll manage to sell them I am not jack the prankster anymore and runs away.
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Old 3rd June 2007, 08:23 AM   #56
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Wink

Un tío está en un restaurante y pide al camarero que le traiga una merluza. El camarero viene con la merluza y el tío lo prueba y dice "o que bien esta ésto". Lo termina de comer y le llama al camarero y dice "¿Usted piensa que podría repetir?" y el camerero dice "si, porsupuesto...repite conmigo MER-LU-ZA".
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Old 3rd June 2007, 03:06 PM   #57
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Default The trucker

the trucker A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."
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Old 4th June 2007, 05:45 AM   #58
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Default Blonde jokes

Blonde jokes...........

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, “How is much is this TV?”
The salesman said, “Sorry, we don'’t sell to blondes.”
The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, “Sorry, we don'’t sell to blondes.”
The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, “Sorry we don'’t sell to blondes.”
She replied, ” I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?”
“Because that is not a TV, it’’s a microwave.”


Why did the blonde nurse take a red magic marker to work?
In case she had to draw some blood.
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Old 5th June 2007, 02:47 PM   #59
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OK then, while we're on the theme..

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five
things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No...
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Old 5th June 2007, 02:47 PM   #60
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..... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
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