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Old 6th July 2009, 08:34 PM   #161
Juanjo
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One morning, three Southerners and three Northerners were in a ticket queue at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket while the
three Southerners bought just one.

"How are all three of thee going t' travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Northerners. "Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from the South.

All six boarded the train. The three Northerners sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the ticket collector came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.

The conductor took it and moved on.

The Northerners saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some
money to buy more flat caps and whippets.

That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip, while to their astonishment, the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.

"How are you going t' travel wi' out a ticket?" asked a perplexed Tyke. "Watch and learn," answered the three Southerners boys in unison.

When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Northerners were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."..... and a hand came out with the Northerners' single ticket.....Shortly after, the ticket collector himself came around knocking on the toilet doors....and.....

Where there's muck, there's a sucker!
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Old 7th July 2009, 12:43 AM   #162
richardksa
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Pepe is driving his car and is pulled over by the police. Pepe has had a little to drink, but he is not drunk, but the policeman gives him a hard time.
“I think you are drunk, señor. I must give you a test”
Pepe agrees.
The policeman says, “At night,if you see two lights coming towards you, what do you think it is?”
Pepe says it must be a car.
That is not good enough, says the policeman. You did not tell me if it is a Fiat, a Mercedes or a BMW. I must charge you.
Pepe protests and says this is not fair, so the policeman says he will give him another chance.
It is night and you see one light coming towards you, what do you think it is?
Pepe says it is a motorbike.
That is not good enough, says the policeman. You did not tell me if it is a Suzuki, a Yamaha or a Honda. I must charge you.
Pepe sees that he has no hope, but he says to the policeman, “Can I ask you a question”
“Of course, señor, but it will not change my mind”.
So Pepe asks, “If you see a women standing by the road in a very short skirt and revealing herself to passing drivers, who do you think she is?”
The policeman answers, “She is a prostitute, señor”.
That is not good enough, says Pepe. You haven’t told me is she is your mother, your sister or your wife.”
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Old 7th July 2009, 10:30 AM   #163
gary
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Three surgeons were talking about their preferred type of patient. The first one said
"I like to operate on accountants, once you get in there everything is numbered."
The second disagreed and said,
"Electricians are best, all their organs are colour coded!"
No, no, no," said the third. Politicians are the easiest. Once you open them up there is no heart, no balls, no guts and no spine - in fact the only two moving parts are the mouth and the arse - and they're interchangeable!!"
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Old 7th July 2009, 10:22 PM   #164
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Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M's factory?

She kept throwing out all the W's.
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Old 11th July 2009, 01:15 PM   #165
WesleyHH
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Hola!

He encontrado por Internet estos chistes, no sé si ya han estado aquí:

- Ayer conocí a una mujer preciosa. Tenia unos senos maravillosos, unas piernas perfectas, un talle divino, un pelo suave y sedoso, unas manos finas, un cuello esbelto...
El otro le pregunta:
- ¿Y de cara?
- Muy cara amigo. Muy cara.

En una calle oscura hay un hombre escondido entre las sombras. Cuando aparece una mujer le dice:
- ¡Manos arriba ! ¡Su cartera o la degollo !
- Pues la de Goyo, está claro...

Un hombre va de casa en casa pidiendo trabajo. En una por fin le hacen una oferta:
- Te doy 50 € si me pintas el porche de blanco. La pintura y la brocha están en el garaje.
- ¡De acuerdo!
Al cabo de cinco minutos llama a la puerta de la casa.
- ¿ Ya ha acabado ? ¡Que rápido!
- Si, es que soy muy trabajador. Por cierto, usted se equivoca de marca, no es un Porche, es un Jaguar.



Last edited by WesleyHH; 11th July 2009 at 10:02 PM.
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Old 11th July 2009, 02:38 PM   #166
mightykaboosh
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I don't understand 2 of the punchlines Ayudame con dos partes del chistes, por favor.

1. Ayer conocí a una mujer preciosa. Tenia unos senos maravillosos, unas piernas perfectas, un talle divino, un pelo suave y sedoso, unas manos finas, un cuello esbelto... (qué significa esbelto por favor)

El otro le pregunta:
- ¿Y de cara?
- Muy cara amigo. Muy cara. (Qué significa "muy cara" por favor)

Does it mean that her face is very dear- i.e cosmetic surgery??????????

2. Chiste numero dos Que significa- "Pues la de Goyo"- por favor

No entiendo la ultima parte, your money or i cut your throat.... pues la de goyo, está claro... what does that mean?

Last edited by mightykaboosh; 11th July 2009 at 05:40 PM.
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Old 11th July 2009, 04:59 PM   #167
WesleyHH
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mightykaboosh View Post
Please help me to fill in the punchlines

no sé si ya estuvieron (I don't know if already "estuvieron"?)
Tienes razón, mi error, debería ser - no sé si ya han estado aquí.



Quote:
Originally Posted by mightykaboosh View Post
En una calle oscura hay un hombre escondido entre las sombras. Cuando aparece una mujer le dice:
- ¡Manos arriba ! ¡Su cartera o la degollo !
- Pues la de Goyo, está claro...

I don't get the last bit, your money or i cut your throat.... pues la de goyo, está claro... what does that mean?

Ahora tiene sentido, perdone mi segundo error



Last edited by WesleyHH; 11th July 2009 at 10:03 PM.
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Old 11th July 2009, 10:01 PM   #168
WesleyHH
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Yo entiendo lo así:
Chiste 1 - primero hombre escribe mujer preciosa, segundo le pregunta para cara esta mujer, primero le dice que esta mujer esté cara (esta mujer le cuesta mucho dinero, sabes barata - cara).

Chiste 2 - ladron quiere cartera o la degollo. Mujer le contesta que la cartera es de Goyo (conocida empresa de ropa) . Pienso que la degollo y la de Goyo se pronuncie de la misma manera.

Perdone no sé explicar mejor . Dios mío, no soy bueno para contar chistes o simplemente mi español es demasiado débil .


Last edited by WesleyHH; 11th July 2009 at 10:09 PM.
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Old 11th July 2009, 11:19 PM   #169
Mna na mara
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After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English
scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerrymen", a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee, Danny O'Sullivan, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless!"
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Old 12th July 2009, 08:23 AM   #170
Pippa
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Default A senior moment

A SENIOR MOMENT - A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,



I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client
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Old 14th July 2009, 05:31 PM   #171
steph
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Default The Keyboard for Blondes



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Old 31st July 2009, 06:58 PM   #172
Maria S.
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Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical Engineering Department, University of Oklahoma, is known for posing questions on final exams like: "Why do airplanes fly?"

In May a few years ago, the "Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer " exam paper contained the question:

"Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or similar. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.

[Answer 1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

[Answer 2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate (given to me by Teresa Banyan during freshman year) that "it'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then [Answer 2] cannot be correct; ...... thus, Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.
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Old 2nd August 2009, 01:56 AM   #173
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Un chiste muy malo:

Están tres naufragos en una isla desierta y de pronto uno de ellos se encuentra una lampara mágica. La frota y aparece un genio.
- Os puedo conceder un deseo a cada uno, dice el genio.
Llega el primero y dice "Tengo tantas ganas de ver a mi mujer y a mi familia, deseo volver con ellos" Puf, el naufrago desaparece.
Llega el segundo y dice "Yo echo mucho de menos mi ciudad, la vida que tenía... Deseo volver a mi casa" Puf, el naufrago desaparece.
Llega el último y dice "Me siento tan sólo... aquí en la isla sin nadie... Deseo... Deseo que vuelvan mis compañeros"
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Old 2nd August 2009, 04:17 PM   #174
lucas
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Habían tres amigos que se llamaban: Tonto, Nadie y Ninguno.

Tonto va y le dice al policía:

Nadie se cayó al pozo, y Ninguno lo está ayudando.

Entonces el policía le responde:

¿Usted es tonto?

Sí, ¡Mucho gusto!
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Old 22nd September 2009, 09:54 AM   #175
Maria S.
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A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning. As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters.

Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The only able bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.

The doctor says, "Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty bad shape and I am needed here to care for them."

The priest replies, "I would volunteer to go also but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights."

The lawyer says, "No problem."

He immediately strips off his shirt and dives into the shark infested water. There is a great turbulence in the water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to swim between them.

"My Goodness," says the priest. "It is a miracle!"

The doctor looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says, "No, Father. It is not a miracle. It's professional courtesy!"
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Old 8th November 2009, 07:23 PM   #176
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A Latino man who spoke no English went into an American department store to buy socks. He found his way to the Men's Wear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines" said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines." repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack." offered the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines." insisted the man.

"These sweaters are top quality." the salesgirl probed.

"No, no quiero suéter. Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"Our undershirts are over here." fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.

"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines." the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed "¡Eso sí que es!".

"Well, if you could spell it, why didn't you do that in the beginning?" asked the exasperated salesgirl.
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Old 9th November 2009, 07:28 AM   #177
mickyching
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Default RE : Joke of the Day

Hey guys,

This one is for you .. The totally fresh joke of the day.. Enjoy it..

JOKE :

A guy and his wife goes to dinner.

The server ask them what would u like to the man?

he says can I get a steak medium rare please.

The server says arent u worry about the mad cow?

the guy says my wife can order for her self.
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Old 30th June 2010, 07:13 AM   #178
steph
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Default Yo Momma's So Fat...

Yo momma's so fat that when she sings, it's over.
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Old 30th June 2010, 08:00 AM   #179
Pippa
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Cucharita, taza o cubo???

Durante una visita a un Instituto Psiquiátrico, le pregunté al Director, qué criterio se usaba para definir si un paciente debería o no ser internado.

'Bueno,' dijo el Director, 'hacemos la prueba siguiente: Llenamos una bañera, luego al paciente le ofrecemos una cucharita, una taza y un cubo y le pedimos que vacíe la bañera.

En función de como vacíe la bañera, sabemos si hay que internarlo o no y con que tratamiento empezar'

-Ah, entiendo- dije. - una persona normal usaría el cubo porque es más grande que la cucharita y la taza.

- No - dijo el Director - una persona mentalmente sana le quitaría el tapón a la bañera.... Usted que prefiere: ¿una habitación con o sin vistas al jardín? ...
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Old 30th June 2010, 12:08 PM   #180
fawlty
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Default City Slicker

Thought I would share this one with you:


A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.

Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...


Now give me back my dog.
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