Joke of the Day

[djS]

Drunk priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[djS]

Computer doctor One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and much cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better

[djS]

tomato garden An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

[djS]

Speeding Speeding A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, may I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...

[eldeano]

Jurdy - did you have a problem with the suggestion 'just one a day'?

Nice bit of cutting and pasting.

[ValenciaSon]

Eldeano, the name of the thread isn't "One Joke/Day", it's "Joke of the Day" to which there has to be some candidate jokes evaluated before the joke of the day is decided upon by our panel of judges

[djS]

take the point there but did you ha ha ha on them only put one up any more
eldeano
hope you like what i did posted

jurdy

[djS]

Slow Golfers

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

[felipe]

When the blonde jigsaw joke made it to Tasmania it was a big red rooster and a pack of cornflakes.

Did you hear about the termite that walked into the bar and asked,"where's the bar tender?"

Did you hear about the oyster that went to a disco? He pulled a mussell.

Two seagulls were sitting on a perch. One said to the other,"Do you smell fish?"

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.

Mil sientos, felipe.

[Edith]

Originally Posted by tad

I had a dream about Arnie the other night.

I was his brother and to play a prank on him I used to douse him in this stuff we use at work which had the effect of turning him into a midget. The last time, after the effect wore off he was really pissed off and he starting chasing me down the road bare-chested shouting 'I'm going to kill you!' in a very thick Austrian accent. I was really scared. Just as he caught up with me I woke up (in a pretty perturbed state).

What does this all mean?

Lie down on the couch, relax, and go back to your dream... relax, and feel... what do you feel, what does it mean to you?

[eldeano]

Originally Posted by djS

take the point there but did you ha ha ha on them only put one up any more
eldeano
hope you like what i did posted

jurdy

Jurdy - nothing wrong with the jokes, just too many for me to be wowed by any one in particular.

Judge VS - you are, as always, quite right.

[eldeano]

One of my favourite Tommy Cooper efforts:

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[djS]

eldeano i am Irish where did that happen googled it and can see any more news on it .... lol

[djS]

taxi driver A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years

[tad]

Originally Posted by ValenciaSon

Eldeano, the name of the thread isn't "One Joke/Day", it's "Joke of the Day" to which there has to be some candidate jokes evaluated before the joke of the day is decided upon by our panel of judges

Originally Posted by eldeano

Judge VS - you are, as always, quite right.

Don't let him push you around like that, it's your thread -are you a TC or a Sylvester?

Dead funny thread by the way. (arf arf)

[tad]

Originally Posted by Edith

Lie down on the couch, relax, and go back to your dream... relax, and feel... what do you feel, what does it mean to you?

I'm just worried about the fact that Arnold Schwarzennegger is in my dream in the first place

[Edith]

Originally Posted by tad

I'm just worried about the fact that Arnold Schwarzennegger is in my dream in the first place

That would worry me too!

There might be a rather mundane explanation, though: perhaps you have seen him on TV, or maybe you have read his name somewhere? These small daytime events often turn up in our dreams for no apparent reason.

[greytop]

1. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

2. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"

3. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

4. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

5. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!"

6. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've
seen Ahmal."

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail
and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him:
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Arrgh!

10 And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least some of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.

How do our non-English speaking members get on with these?
I think I'd probably have trouble with Spanish puns

[tad]

Originally Posted by greytop

How do our non-English speaking members get on with these?
I think I'd probably have trouble with Spanish puns

Top stuff greytop (does that count).

On a podcast I have called Really Learn Spanish (there only seem to be 4 made) the guy reckoned that the Spanish don't do puns-and if you try to make one they won't really get it and they'll just think you're a bit weird.(?)

[gary]

Doctor doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains
Pull yourself together, man

Doctor doctor I keep thinking Im a snooker ball
Get to the end of the queue

Why dont polar bears eat penguins
Whey cant get the wrappers off
(NB a penguin is a chocolate biscuit in England)